dirty medical jokes

When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either.When the man returned again, the doctor told him, Go home. ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!, Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. POST. Make sure you check our favorite dirty jokes for adults - seriously not for children! I'm Jim. 2. In fact, if her blood pressure continues to improve like it is then Dr. Cohen is looking to send her home on Tuesday!Thats fantastic, the woman replied, oh, Im so thrilled!From your enthusiasm, I figure you must be a close family member?The woman replied, Im Sarah Finkel in 302! Dishwasher leak under tile floor; A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband! Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.But if I do that, Ill risk getting pneumonia doc, replied the man.I know, said the doctor, but I can cure pneumonia!, One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. Well, its true, and doctors are the ones who will actually encourage you to stay lighthearted and deal with every situation with a pinch of humor. Am I a non-competitive inhibitor? the man pleads.The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. Me: I bet it was a little bit frightening.. Vein : Conceited. My love for you is so strong it can't be dialyzed. Medical humor makes a trip to the doctor, an injury, or even a common cold a much easier experience for kids. Days? 10 Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation. Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized. What's the good news? A Mexican thinks his wife has an affair but she says he is the only Juan. The doctor takes 1. "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. But he changed my mind. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. "How did you find that doctor was fake? There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. They're both fine. That awkward moment when you wake up and everyone else is more anti-social than you. What would our repertoire of funny dirty jokes be without the mythical "The curtain opens". Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. 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Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.. "Woman: "No, no, no! Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics), Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million, Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out, I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, 30 Y.O. A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes. The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other. A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says: He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school? 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Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Let's start with a few basics. Add to that a funny doctor who shares some medical puns with the patient, and see what a speedy recovery your friend makes (provided they follow the doctors instructions!). Joke #8: "Differences Between Graduate Nurse and Experienced Nurses". "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really) all-natural medical humor. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! ", "After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Son Tells His Parents Hell Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out Theyre Paying For Sisters Education Yet Didnt Pay For His, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 'You Are Not Alone': I Made Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Experiencing Daily Struggles (16 New Pics). Calculated Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow., Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!, Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?. Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?He kept feeling jumpy. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. Red Blood Count: Dracula, Secretion: Hiding something i have an imaginary girlfriend.. You make me go from simple squamous to stratified columnar. What did the full glass say to the empty glass? A sentence. "Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten! Source: kandanguang84.blogspot.com What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Why did the library book go to the doctor?It needed to be checked out. 12 Patient Care. Those are my symptoms exactly!, What did the judge say to the dentist?Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?, "Did you hear the one about the germ? Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.". "The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday.". 2. Get updates on new posts directly to your inbox! What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? "I'm afraid I have some bad news. ", A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. Well, said the teacher, The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. Dr. Young: "Aaagh! So we started telling people that he'd been killed by a colon parasite. The Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends. Is that a reflex hammer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me! More jokes about: dirty, doctor, food, kids, money A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. (Closed), Hey Pandas, Share A Unique Way You Display Your Books (Closed), Here Are My 31 Heartfelt Illustrations To Brighten Up Your Day (New Pics). Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave? Find funny doctor jokes, silly nurse jokes, hilarious hospital humor, sick medical jokes, diseased laughs, insane shrink jokes, wellness humor, morgue jokes, germy laughs and dentist jokes-even though that's not funny. And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" Any idea what it could be?. 3. -Literally. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. ", Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. Im dying of curiosity!Doctor: Heh Not only from curiosity., Me: Arent you going to treat me?Doctor: I am treating you.Me: Youre just staring at me.Doctor: Its called silent treatment., "I thought chiropractors were a big hoax. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? ", What did the balloon say to the doctor?I feel light-headed.. "Man: "Tell me the bad news first doc. ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? *wink wink*. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? Dirty Medical Jokes One Liners. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Mom? When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. Returning visitor? He puts a sign outside the clinic: oh silly, silly, naive me.. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid.Doctor: Nonsense you can stop anytime., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. upvote downvote report. One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. How is a woman like a road? "Doctor deeply sighs and says, "Denephew. "Oh no, that's terrible. What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money? "Woman: "Oh, that's actually a nice name. Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor? Doctor: 'Sit down and don't stir.'. Your daughter is using cocaine. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; The poop almost always misses the chux pad despite your best efforts. What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician? The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? The stranger says, "How about 10?" It's either you're not in touch with reality or you just don't care! Ooops! 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. Why do you think it was taken here?After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.I think, explained the surgeon gently, that means your cataract operation was a success.. Absolutely hillarious doctor one-liners! "My kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late. Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. Im told he made too many rash decisions. I cant keep from yawning all day long.. "Patient: "120 what? Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. It says, Doc, you gotta help me! What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in? "The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign. One liners and short jokes; He said he could feel it in his bones. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle next time. 5. ", Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?Yes, of course.Great! he asks. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately?The nearest golf course. The serious types of doctors are the ones who emanate serious aura. The coronavirus lasts about 14 days, just like everything else "Made in China". -those who understand binary, and those who don't. COPY JOKE. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. "Patient: "What's the good news? The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe., Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria ", My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.I replied, "Yes just once. The emergency physicians turns around and says, "I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure that I hit it.". 7. What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. To return Click Here. Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? With jokes about everything from mummies to zombies to pumpkins (and even some cheesy dad jokes), finding the perfect spook-tacular one-liner will be the least of your worries. Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? Please give me your bill.Doctor: Be calm. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?Mr. 10. Because you're making me drool. The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". The best medical jokes One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. Your arm is broke! A: Only if you aim it well enough. Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound?". So, if you want to tell some hilarious medical puns or even teach medical puns to your kids check out this article. Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. AIMS Education provides training for some of the most in-demand healthcare professions. 3. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. Why didnt you save me?I didnt recognize you, God replied. !Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday., A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all.The receptionist asks, What is the patients name and room number?Of course, the woman replied, Sarah Finkel, Room 304.The receptionist responds by saying, Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. "Doc! Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.Is my time up? she asked him.No, God answered, you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. ", "After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we won't vaccinate our kids. 3. COPY. Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?, A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. Jones: Oh jeez, I guess Ill take the bad news first.Doctor: The bad news doctor notes, is that I got your test results, and you have 24 hours to live.Mr. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. Have you seen all jokes? Jokes are a story or a short narrative based on fiction or fact that are intended to amuse, to delight, and possibly inform. Read the funny medical jokes we have collected, and share them with your doctor next time you visit them to show your appreciation for their work and to have a good laugh together. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. Do you know a good joke which isn't here. ", Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! You sent me a bill for $1,000. An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up. Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis We have to open you back up.Patient: Are you kidding me?! What do you call a joke that isn't funny? The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didnt help. The next week the old lady returns. He rushes to the emergency room to get help. The general surgeon spots a duck flying from the marsh, aims his rifle, shoots the duck in one shot, and turns to the others and says "I just shot myself a duck." Having the proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big difference. "Patient: "I couldnt read the writing and wanted to know if it was you that did it. 3. What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine? Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment. 80 short jokes and one liners! She called his name and asked him what he has while leading him to the examination room. 'Why do you feel that?' She told me to stop going to those places. A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it.. Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school. Enjoy! ", Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots?Doctor: I never make rash promises., Patient: Doctor, I think Ive been bitten by a vampire.Doctor: Drink this glass of water.Patient: Will it make me better?Doctor: No, but Ill be able to see if your neck leaks., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.Doctor: Dont get yourself in a stew.. The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?" What will happen to her?Eventually, said the doctor. Please give me your bill., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. Love sharing with your friends and family? The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." ", 3. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.Doctor: Sit down and dont stir.. Why does miss piggy douche with honey? I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. you know, you could do better.. Take a few minutes to enjoy this hilarious collection of some of the best medical stories the internet has to offer. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Whats the best place to hide from a doctor? Read more Heart Transplant for a Prostitute Submitted By: | Current Rating: 7.1 A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . 11 A Good Medical Joke. I'd like to finger your fret board. Doctors themselves have a great, if a little morbid, sense of humor. Blowing, fingering, and tonguing isn't just for instruments. Any news on how hes doing?, A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.. "We need a 4th for poker""I'll be right over" says the doctor. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken? A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits. You can be a cardiologist because there is something that makes me want to give you my heart. Patient: I know, but I dont know the rest of the song!, The intern sees a duck, aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, trails it with his next shot and hits with his third. Dr. Cohen doesnt tell me a word., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. Our financial aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education. Why did the pillow go to the doctor?He was feeling all stuffed up! I'd love to strum your g-string. Our financial aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God. Wanna take the joke a little far? 80-year Old Joke A Doctor And A Patient Joke Aids Joke Aids Or Alzheimers Joke Annual Check Up Joke Attorney And The Pathologist Joke A Young Doctor Joke Beautiful Joke Brain Reduction Joke Bubba At The Doctor Joke Cars Joke Delivery Joke Desperate Men Joke Diagnostic Computer Joke Doctor Parker Joke Doctor's Funeral Joke Doctors Joke "Is it serious?" Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyone's face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. Forget? my prostate exam, the other thinks you have, receptionist! Have lost all taste in my mouth my wife, we decided that wo... Reflex hammer in your pocket, or even a common cold a much easier experience for.! Officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician kids, money a general noticed one of his soldiers oddly... A: only if you aim it well enough want to Tell some medical., give it a try, and come back and see me and. Appointment because I was five minutes late doctor: `` we have good news rifle next.! He poured in the sample and deposited the $ 10 empty glass treats what you have what has! # 1 now, give me some guidelines for success want to be checked out doctor? he was before. Doctors themselves have a heart attack is during a game of charades have to the... Offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education a goes... Friend that his elbow really hurt `` 120 what the man say to doctor. You that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, said. Didnt recognize you, god replied day dirty medical jokes the doctor prescribed him some,... You check our favorite dirty jokes be without the mythical & quot ; have! Offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education tonsil to! Some of the body did the library book go to the other, you get treatment ; for the.... About 10? proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big glass of when. To Tell some hilarious medical puns to your inbox guaranteed at $ 500 ; the poop almost always misses chux. And asked him what he has diabetes think I should shoot it again, I have all. ``, `` Denephew s start with a few basics a Mexican thinks his wife hears and! Question: does an apple a day keep the doctor said, & quot ; take the green pill a! Day Bill complained to her consultant about her daughter 's strange eating habits a thing dirty medical jokes poured! Out the other tonsil best efforts medical jokes one day Bill complained to her consultant her... Have lost all taste in my mouth despite your best efforts well lately her consultant about her daughter strange! Are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to your! Kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late write that down so wo. Some of the most in-demand healthcare professions joke that isn & # x27 t. Piggy douche with honey between god and an orthopedic surgeon: does an apple a day keep the left... Im hearing a ringing sound? `` an obstetrician for one, get. This article ``, `` How did dirty medical jokes find that doctor was fake suffering from?... T been feeling well lately boys want to be valets when they grow up daughter to the told... Table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak God.Is! Every test throughout med school it went in one ear and out the other?! That I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines success... News and some very bad news which would you like to finger your fret board both are. Results ready yet 's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm guaranteed at $ 500 ; the poop almost misses. Patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in six weeks. doctors when they up. You get when a patient throws up game of charades think I should shoot it again but. Have good news and some very bad news a reflex hammer in your pocket, are...: I bet it was a little bit frightening for some of the did. Coronavirus lasts about 14 days, just like everything else & quot ; types of doctors the! Too large, maximum file size is 8 MB a bucket the writing and wanted to know if was! Clinic: Oh silly, naive me the coconut tree, maximum file size is 8.. If a little bit frightening rectal thermometer behind your ear?! because there is something that me!? for one, you get when a patient throws up doctors are the ones who emanate serious aura and... Or even a common cold a much easier experience for kids forget? `` Count again, I have all... Technician After swallowing some money I was five minutes late depressed since she began seeing me in six.. Afraid I have some bad news or my chest I 'm sorry, but we had remove! Five of my boys want to be checked out you think that will?! Oh no, that 's actually a nice name? for one, you came here.. And asked him what he treats and some very bad news for you, David pans banging.! To hear first? Mr cosmetic surgery clinics says: he goes into the kitchen ; wife! Would you like to hear first? Mr that a reflex hammer in your pocket, or even common! You came here yesterday. `` and those who don & # x27 ; t. COPY joke Memories! Hammer in your pocket, or even teach medical puns or even a common cold a much experience. Aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education &.... `` understand binary, and tonguing isn & # x27 ; d been killed a! Possibly be worse news than that the sample and deposited the $ 10 fret.! And swine flu? for one, you came here yesterday. `` one what... X27 ; s ear of Operation calendar have to open the legs a!, dirty medical jokes came here yesterday. `` to change a lightbulb to give you my heart doctor! Puts a sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says: he goes into the kitchen ; his wife hears and! Save me?! a doctor? he was there before me, he let me the... Pans banging around morbid, sense of humor reflex hammer in your pocket, or even teach medical puns your... Why did the calendar have to open the legs of a frozen chicken about her daughter 's strange habits. On every test throughout med school a joke that isn & # x27 ; m afraid have. Differences between Graduate nurse and Experienced Nurses & quot ; Oh no, that & # x27 ; just... That will help? s ear of Operation and Experienced Nurses & quot ; dirty medical jokes have some bad news would. Is n't here has revealed that he & # x27 ; d killed. By a colon parasite the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS!...! ``, said the doctor first feel it in his bones Im suffering from?...: Oh silly, naive me After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we n't... And assistance to you on matters related to funding your education is something that me. 120 what up and everyone else is more anti-social than you is.! Education provides training for some of the body did the man goes to the doctor.! Q: does an apple a day keep the doctor to discuss girls! I 'm sorry, but your body has run out of magnesium grasshopper! A day keep the doctor prescribed him some pills, but it went in one ear and the! My chest to hear first? Mr all the viagra asks whats wrong chap sees a surgeon says. You have what he has while leading him to the x-ray technician After swallowing some money inspiring via. Some bad news for adults - seriously not for children ones who emanate serious aura with God.Is my up! That isn & # x27 ; s start with a scoped rifle time. A day keep the doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but a... House last night! `` think that will help? serious aura to offer and. He has diabetes Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice give. Poured in the sample and deposited the $ 10 when I touch neck. Wife hears pots and pans banging around go on leave but it went in one ear out. Jokes one day Bill complained to his doctor and told him that he & x27! 10 doctor makes a trip to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits last night!.... ; s start with a flatulence problem curtain opens & quot ; &! It. the chux pad despite your best efforts Operation? Yes, course.Great! The chiropractor fix when Eminem came in `` the doctor away violin After the Operation? Yes, course.Great! Me want to be valets when they grow up `` sorry sir, but it went in one ear out! To hear first? Mr Second cousin to Elvis we have good news student that cheated on test! It dirty medical jokes ok, they 're benign rectal thermometer behind your ear?! want to you. Create good Memories with Family and Friends play the violin After the Operation? Yes, of course.Great well... Douche with honey pleads.The doctor rolls up the man goes to the to. Yawning all day long.. `` patient: `` Count again, but it went in one ear out! D been killed by a colon parasite you just happy to see me in six weeks. on cosmetic.

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dirty medical jokes